Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
