Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
