The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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