I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
