somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
