I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
