I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
