I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We had sex on a dog bed..
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
