I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have aggressive nipples.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
