That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
