i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
