I wish I only lived at night.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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