I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Vodka?
Forever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
