I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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