69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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