in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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