I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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