I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she peed on how many people?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
