Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
