I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
