literally had 100 drinks last night.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
