good thing vaginas are great cup holders
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
