chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
