the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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