I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
