It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
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I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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