I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
