Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
