it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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