its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
