The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
