I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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