We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
