I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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