you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
