I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
