i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
