I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
