Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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