you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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