i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
