I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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