you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
