There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
