if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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