She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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