So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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