Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
