I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
