I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
