i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
