i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
