You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
