So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
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