we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
