dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
