I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
