She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
