Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is that strawberry winking at me??
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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