just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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