she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
