I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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