life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dignity is for republicans.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
