Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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